How can He be so kind?

I spent a lot of today thinking about the forgiveness of God. Sometimes when I think about it, I cry…

How can He be so kind?

Everyone has a story. Mine isn’t filled with homeless nights, drug induced convulsions, alcoholic explosions, or blasphemous arguments. I don’t see it as the kind you use at missionary outreaches to show that God “can even save me.”

But my story is important to someone, namely, me. My story does entail two-faced living. I was the perfect kid, getting top grades in my Bible doctrine class and rebelling against my parents at home, sweetly serving at church and hurting my siblings by the hateful words that I spoke,  teaching Sunday school and carrying a bloated pride…condescending. I was a modern day Pharisee critiquing everyone else’s life while living my own behind closed doors and closed heart.

It was in that condition that Jesus saved me. It is for that salvation that I am grateful.

I don’t know that any sin blinds like the religion of the hypocrite, deafens like the life of a Pharisee.

But He forgave me.

He forgave me.

After making others feel stupid and second-class, after refusing to walk inside the door of grace and keeping others out, He forgave me. He saw my defiled heart and soul and mind and He cleaned them.

Having a name that I was alive, and being dead, He raised me from death and gave me real life. His love came next to me and I saw that I was poor.

Those who are forgiven much, love much. Though my life seems little to many, it’s engulfing to me. He has forgiven me so much, especially my blinding pride. He forgave me of the entirety of my life. I don’t have much to give, but I know that He takes little and makes it into much. He raises us from the ashes and seats us with princes. He takes dust and turns it into gold. He took my dead existence and raised me to glorious life. He has beautified me with weakness. I see that I am every moment dependent on His grace.

I will follow Jesus all my days, even if that means he holds my hand and drags me behind him.

He is the one who carries me. I am indeed a sinner saved by grace. I was filthy but He has cleansed me.

psalm 116

I thought I was a saint, but God has shown me I was a sinner. Being a sinner, He was able to save me.

I thought I was rich but He made me poor. Being poor, He is able to give me all He has and is.

This verse stays with me constantly now:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

I love Him for it.

How can He be so kind?

I’m giving up on me…

Google maps told me the whole of the trip would take me 10 hours. 10 hours and I’d be done. One car-ride, a few stops along the way and I’d be home.


But you know what?  I’m realizing that I’ll never actually be completely at home again. Part of my heart is always going to be somewhere else. I guess that’s the price you pay for the glorious privilege of  loving and knowing people in more than one place. 

FITN Spring 2014

And perhaps this is just a season of letting go upon letting go but the only thing I’m holding tighter to these days is God. And there’s something wild and strange and wonderfully okay to me about that.

Maybe that’s the point of any season of transition:  Most days I want to be the one who gets to cry out “enough” when I’ve reached my tipping point of breaking, and bending, and learning, and growing. But if I’ve learned anything in the last six months it’s that even when I say “enough,” I have a God that reminds me that I don’t have the controls and that there is still so much to learn.”

‘Cause I tend to think that I’m a spiritual giant until I’ve been pushed out of a few of my comfort zones.

But I love it. I love the aching uncomfortableness of coming up short, of falling on my face, of seeing the multitude of ways in which I’m not enough, dizzy and off-balance, living uncertain and flung wide open and sidelined.

Oh not in the moment. Hah. No. I’m far more likely to go around with a 5o pound heavy weight on my chest, my breath held tight and eyes wide, saying one word prayers like, “HELP!” All the while, hearing a voice in the back of my mind saying “If you can’t even handle THIS, what will happen when harder pressures come?!”

I love to be strong. Not gonna lie. I push hard against this thing called weakness in all of its shapes and sizes. But the fallacy with that solution is that I can never get away from myself. Throughout the rest of this adventure of life, until my Abba calls me home or He comes back and splits the skies. I’m stuck. Stuck with this frame of dust. (Psalm 103:14)

And that’s kinda the hardest part. Because part of being human is wanting to abandon yourself sometimes. Even if no one will give up on me, I want to be the one to give up on myself. I’ve wanted to pretend that with enough miles and enough distance and enough distractions, I’d never have to face the girl inside of me who is a whole lot weaker and far more broken than I want her to be.

But Jesus waits…

He waits to be my source, sometimes until I’ve run myself ragged, with no other options. Until I’ve spent all of my strength. He waits for me to finally see…to remember again…to accept again, my need. And to come to Him.

And I don’t want to see those times as a moment of recovery so as to resume life as normal.

I want to settle into the vulnerability of living there, perpetually.

When Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” I don’t think He was somehow acknowledging a special group of really humble people and calling them blessed. But instead, He invited all of us to experience the blessing of living in the truth of our poorness rather than sinking in the delusion of false strength.

Because it’s those that already know their weakness that you’ll find leaning into Him first. Those who are blessed to know their poverty, though it is true of each and every one of us.

What if the true strength of our living is actually directly related to the degree of our embracing our poorness?

When we, dust that we are, reach from our poverty and cling to Christ. Now that is the beginnings of some true strength! It is here in this clinging that His strength is perfected in my weakness.

Abba help. Help me to live in such brokenness and poorness of spirit that the heartbeat of my living is a continual, reckless clinging to Christ. Only someone utterly convinced of their poverty can cleave to Him with such vehemence. I’m done with pretending. I’m relinquishing my pathetic weakness again, and exchanging it for the supernatural strength of the Lord.

For I want to be one that will “boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9). One that participates fully in this crazy scandalous exchange.

So yah, I’m giving up on me…


A Fool for Love…


“You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, Lord, do I seek.'”
(Psalm 27:8)

It seems the nearer I get to that holy, breathtakingly beautiful, blazing heart of God, the less I know, the weaker I am, the less I have it together.

And I used to think maturity was getting stronger. “No,” He responds. “Just closer.”

I just want to know You, more than anything else I want to know You…

I thought growing in God meant knowing more and more. “More and more of ME,” He qualifies.

I’m realizing again how humility is tied in and wrapped up in every direction of this exchange. Knowledge apart from Him puffs up but knowledge of Him humbles and brings low. So growing in the knowledge of Him more is to walk lower….always.

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men, And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:5-8)

Who is this God anyway??

Will I go on imagining Him to be withholding His heart from me, when in truth, it is completely open to me?

Sometimes I feel like I’m twisting His arm in my asking for a greater revelation of His heart. But every time light breaks in upon my heart and my eyes behold more of who He is. I find the opposite to be true. It’s not me twisting His arm but instead, He’s continuously seeking to convince me. The culprit of any a delay in my journey in God is not God’s stingy withholding but my stubborn resisting.

I refuse to believe and I hang on to my false ideas of Him, while all the while He’s patiently chipping away at my false ideas about His heart.

I don’t want to be guilty of speaking words about the jealous radical righteous all consuming God of love that defines good, yet somewhere deep within still resisting truths about Him. Why is it the goodness of the Lord that I’m slowest to receive?

A month into track2, if I had to highlight what it is that He is re-writing in my heart it would be the things that He spoke to Moses on the mountain…that He really truly IS merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. When Moses cried, “show me Your glory,” this was the goodness of the Lord that passed before him, but my stubborn heart is ridiculously slow to receive it.

I don’t want to doubt these truths about the Lord in the deepest places of my heart, imagining disappointment when there is none to be found or subtly accepting accusations that God is somehow withholding something from me.

I don’t want to be a skeptic of God’s love in even the smallest sense. I would rather be a FOOL for love, spinning wildly through my days with every kind of presumption of just how abundant His enjoyment, just how extravagant His delight in me is, than to stand on the side lines with arms folded, waiting for the “real” rendition of His love, the “actual” account of the story.

At the close of this age, it’s going to be the fools for love who will be deemed most wise. It won’t be the skeptics who got nearest to the truth but the fools, those who believed in the most ridiculous and radical heights of God’s love. These will be those most “accurate” to the actual truth of the magnitude of His kindness and even their wildest presumptions will not come near to the actual excessiveness of Jesus’ love.

I’d rather be a fool than a skeptic, counting all as loss for the surpassing worth of knowing the heart of my King. Lovesick…

“But God chose what is foolish in the world (1 Corinthians 1:27)

I want to be one fully aware of the scandalous love of Jesus and the sobriety of the hour we were living in.

I want to really know the light of His great love so I can be strengthened to make the changes in my life, to abandon business as usual and to pursue the purposes of God, to go after the things that the world sees as foolish, so that I can partner with Him in what He is doing on the earth.

For there’s coming a shaking…There is peace in Jesus, yes. Deepest and transcendent peace. Yet there is also a storm ahead…

And do I really live like Jesus is coming back? Like even half of the prophecies in the Word are true?

To be honest, there’s a tension in my heart that lies between living urgently on one side, living with the coming of Jesus before us and all that surrounds, and on the other, the idea of living peacefully and without fear or anxiety. But they’re not really at odds, are they?

When Jesus talked about His coming, he said things like:  “Take heed. Watch and pray. Be alert. Be awake. Pray always.”

Jesus didn’t say, “Just be at peace and don’t worry about those days ahead.” True, He told us not to worry about tomorrow but  calling us to urgent prayer and watchfulness doesn’t equal worry to Him. He calls it wisdom.

Comfort, as Jesus spoke of was not ease and leisure in circumstance but deep peace and abiding joy in the midst of all circumstances, even trouble.

For while the things of this world will be shaken, I have the promise of a kingdom that will never be shaken. I know and am known by a God that is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Never changing. Eternal. I have a hope…

I want to be a fool for love. Instead of second guessing, I want to rush in with arms outspread. Knowing and believing the love He has for me. I want to be counted with the fools that believe beyond what is perceivable, that reach past what is tangible and visible, pressing on into the unknown regions of the incomprehensible crazy love of God.

The Reason that I’m living…

hope city

Singing a Worship with the Word set at Hope City (IHOP’s inner city outreach)

I haven’t kept up with blogging at all. AT ALL. And there’s no way I can unload all that’s on my heart in this one post…that being said…update:

9 Days. That’s how much is left of Track 1. Crazy business…

I can’t count the number of times when I’ve paused in the midst of pacing or something, and just looked around the entire prayer room and thought, “Is this for real???” It’s three in the morning, most people are sleeping, and yet there’s a group of about 75-100 people that are beholding and blessing the Lord in the middle of the night. Just thinking about it undoes something in my heart. It just hits me again and again, “We are all here for You, for One Man. There’s no one else that the world adores night and day, there is no one worthy of it besides You Jesus. Who are You?…”

One of the realities that slammed me in the face within the first couple of weeks here, was that nobody needed me. And that I really didn’t have much to offer in a first place. That in in the grand scheme of things, I was nothing. I was shaken as I realized just how much of my identity I was basing on the things I was involved in back home, how much I was doing…

But in the midst of the revealing of my bareness, the weakness of my heart and how shaky a good bit of my foundation was…I’ve been drawn deeper into His heart, His care, His enveloping. These shaking times, when we’re our weakest selves, uncertain and messed up and flung wide open and sidelined, they etch intimacy with God deeper into our souls more than any other times.

It’s been a season of the Lord taking away my support in everything that I have held onto, and oh so tenderly yet intensely showing me that He doesn’t love me for what I have to offer,  as though I could somehow earn it and deserve it.  He loves me because that’s who HE IS.

I love how complexly simple God is.  And I’m realizing anew that I shall never ever ever move on from learning the depths of God’s love. There isn’t a “more mature” thing to study. I’m never going to “graduate” from the learning about His heart, His emotions toward me. It’s such a simple, basic, core element of the faith,  yet so many people have never understood or felt it. Throughout this entire internship,  almost no one has prayed for me that hasn’t said something along the lines of “God wants you to know His delight is in you. He likes you.”

I have been learning so much about the Father heart of God. Things I thought I had a grasp of, but now I’m realizing there is so much more to believing something than having a mental agreement There is such a strength in knowing and truly believing how He feels about us. It completely changes the way I approach prayer, and gives the motivation and confidence to continue pressing in. We have to believe that He likes hearing us, that He want’s to hear us…before we will really like talking to Him. I mean, who likes talking to someone you think doesn’t really like you?

We really can’t love God with all our heart until we know how He loves us with all His heart. That He loves us in the same way that God loves God….

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love.” (John 15:9)

The measure of the Father’s love for Jesus is the measure of His love for us. What??? This is the ultimate statement of our worth. It gives every believer the right to view themselves as “God’s favorite.” It’s not hard for me to believe that God loves and enjoys perfected believers in heaven. The part my heart struggles with is believing that He actually likes and enjoys weak broken messed up people in this age. But for real,  God loves us like God loves God. He doesn’t judge my love, and my love does not have to be mature before it’s real in His eyes…

IHOP Sunrise

One of the perks of doing nightwatch? You never miss a sunrise…

We really do have to know that we’re His favorite if we want to break the cycle of comparisons and really run our race. And “Favorite-ness” can only come out of intimate knowledge. When we begin to experience His deep knowing of us and His fierce love toward us, it’s a ridiculously powerful thing. It settles us and makes us free to really, completely give everything in love.

Knowing my belovedness to God is a secret to holy abandonment that I forget to easily, a key to that givenness to Him that I want to embrace more than anything. There’s something of this being loved deeply, with the kind of love that knows all your darkness and brokenness and worthlessness,that does the delivering up…up into the freedom of wild givenness to God and scandalous self-giving unto others. We love because we’re first loved (1 John. 4:19). We grow in self-giving in as much as we’ve known His self-giving toward us.

I can’t count the number of times in these past few months when I’ve been completely overwhelmed by how my Abba takes a weak yes, a small risk, a half-hearted request…and rushes in to exceed my expectations with ridiculous extravagance. The kindness of Jesus brings tears and awe, and I’ve hardly seen a glimpse of what will leave me in wonder for all the everlasting ages…

Is He really worth the dream? The focus? The cost?

The best dreamer with the highest vision could never in a million years outdo Him….

He can’t be out-given.

He can’t be out-dreamed.

And that’s what I want to do for the rest of my life. To dream the highest dream about the highest King…For He is real and true and good. To fight the good fight with all my strength, trusting that He will be the banner over my victory. For Love wins…

To never doubt and never be pulled to the sidelines with the snare of cynicism or the pit of disillusionment. I want to know, to truly believe that He is safe to obey and to sink my future into. I want to keep gaze steady and my walk humble, to  keep my hope high and my vision to love Him with all my heart strong. To hold on to His faithful love and never let go…


There’s gonna be a wedding, It’s the reason that I’m living, to marry the Lamb….


A couple of prayer requests for y’all:

  • Grace and endurance to continue in the nightwatch schedule
  • Finances- my Track2 tuition is miraculously payed for (yep, I’m gonna be here at IHOP till the end of June) but I still need to figure out how I’m going to cover other expenses.
  • Wisdom and clarity for my plans after Track2

Thanks friends… 🙂

To Behold and Bless the Lord…

“You are worthy of night and day worship. You are worthy of unceasing adoration. You are worthy of, so deserving of all our singing. Let a song be heard throughout the nations, telling of Your worth, telling of Your greatness. You are worthy of, so deserving of the nations singing, ‘Glory to the Righteous One.’”

– Clay Edwards

I’ve been doing Fire in the Night for nearly twenty days. This is crazy to me. I feel like I just got here…and also like I’ve been here forever. This internship has been grand thus far. It has definitely had many high points, low points, and everything in between already. I shall do my best to keep this somewhat concise, but I’ve just been trying to process all the information that we’re getting, while attempting to sort through my own heart. So I shan’t promise anything .*smiles*

Yesterday as we prayed for a culture of life and the ending of abortion,  I felt such a heavy burden on my heart, more than normal.  I had a chorus running through my head….“Oh, how He loves us so, how He loves us” and I began to cry as I sang that over the unborn (saying “you” instead of “us”). I feel like I got just a tiny glimpse of the love that God has for these precious ones…And this glimpse? This is what makes it worth it.

That type of prayer, that type of worship. Feeling God’s heart like that even if it’s only for five minutes at a time, that is one of the things that makes coming to IHOP for three months, paying $2000+, eating cafeteria food, hard times, struggling through new relationships, being tired, sad, happy, sick etc. so worth it.

As amazing as that is though…as wonderful as it is to connect and agree with the heart of God on a specific issue. It’s not the main point of the institution of 24/7 prayer. It goes so beyond interceding and petitioning and agreeing with the Lord for justice. That’s an important function of the house of prayer, but it’s not the end all.

I’ve been thinking about what was going on in David’s heart when he began the 24/7 worship and praise in the tabernacle. I don’t think it was just to change the spiritual atmosphere of Jerusalem or even because it because it released grace to have victory in battles. David beheld the Lord in the beauty of holiness in such a way that it caused his heart’s response to be, “HE’S WORTHY TO BE WORSHIPED FOREVER!” When we behold the Lord rightly, when our hearts get connected to how worthy He is, then 24/7 praise and adoration to Him makes perfect sense, simply because He’s worthy.

“Come, bless the Lord, all you servants of the Lord, who stand by night in the house of the Lord!Lift up your hands to the holy place and bless the Lord!” (Psalm 134:1-2)

To gaze. To gaze and bless the Lord simply because He’s worthy. The worth of Jesus should be enough reason to have a 24/7 house of prayer.  It is enough to simply offer unceasing praise, adoration and glory to His name.  At 3:00 am. In the middle of the night. He’s still worthy.

Justin Rizzo explains it this way,

“As the return of Jesus draws near, we can now say with confidence that its larger purpose is unto Jesus being adored on earth as He is in heaven – unceasingly and universally by everyone. The primary reason for the worship and prayer movement is that God has promised a day when His Son will be fully vindicated and that He would receive the praise and adoration of all men.

The goal of night and day prayer or worship meetings is not to organize people to do an activity without stopping, nor should its goal be primarily because there is so much need that we must petition Him unceasingly in hopes of revival. The hope of revival and transformation is good and we should desire it – but that hope will never sustain our hearts in prayer long term. When the breakthrough is delayed and it doesn’t come in the way we think it should have, our hearts will grow sick and prayer will eventually fizzle out leaving us with a cynicism in prayer.

Before there were lost souls that needed to be saved and prior to any humanitarian need, the confession of those who beheld Him was that His beauty warranted their undivided attention and incessant adoration. Today as we give ourselves to prayer, this confession must be our primary reason and ultimate motivation.”

The Lord has just really been driving this reality into me these past few weeks, I’m catching a small glimpse of why those four living creatures in Revelation four cry out and worship Him night and day, forever and ever. They never cease not just because they’re not allowed to or anything like that. It’s just…impossible. They’re not able to cease. They couldn’t if they tried.

And I’m just barely scratching the surface on all this… I’ll probably have more thoughts to share down the road but I’m just loving this reality. I just feel more confidence in this season in the place of prayer and being someone who ministers before the Lord as an occupation.

I don’t know what my future holds…I may be in the role of intercessory missionary for three months, six months, or longer. But I do know that the Lord is the one who has set me on the wall of intercession and worship during the night for this season. And I’m overwhelmed by this privilege to stand before the Lord in the early watches of the night. Beholding and blessing…Falling in love, again, and in a deeper way…and there’s no place I would rather be right now.

“I become like You when I choose to behold You..I fall more in love with You when I simply talk to You more.” -C.E.

“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.” (2 Corinthians 3:18)


P.S. I fully intended to write a post on the Father heart of God…but, well, obviously ending up writing on a completely different topic. That shall have to wait till another day, I suppose. 🙂

Cause This Heart to Love You…

The more I grow in this adventure of loving and knowing my Savior, the more I see how utterly and ridiculously dependent I am upon His upholding of my heart.

There’s just no way I can keep my own heart alive…

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” (Deuteronomy 6:5)

“Cause this heart to love You. Cause this heart to love You. Cause this heart to love You.” It’s the refrain that’s ringing in my heart…

Accosted with it daily…I begin to wonder just exactly what this love is? Do I even have the slightest clue??

I know enough of it to know that such love has only just begun in my heart. I’m longing for the fullness.

But as I long, as I reach…

My attempts? They’re so feeble and frail and wrought with weakness. I keep looking away…my heart is unstable.

“You have ravished my heart, My sister, my spouse; You have ravished my heart, With one look of your eyes…” (Song of Solomon 4:9)

It only takes one look? It can’t be. How could such a weak reach on my part could be deemed noble, deemed captivating by my King?

Our perspective and vantage point is so different than His…I’m discombobulated by the awkwardness and humility of it all and absolutely taken aback, unable to see or evaluate as He does.

But He…He never tires of bringing forth love in the human heart, never. He takes a weak ‘yes,’ a quick glance, and untiringly cultivates it into a treasure for His kingdom.

And though the crazy overwhelming depths of His love assure me that I’ve still only just begun..I do know this:

He answers us when we cry out to Him in prayer, when we ask Him to direct our passions toward Himself…He meets our weak prayers…and He delights to untangle our affections from lesser loves. And in the midst of that…to give us something far more precious than gold!

And then, then…nothing else really matters. All those secondaries…who cares. The opinions, the favor of men…in times of plenty or in times of leanness…this treasure of ours is secure (Matthew 6:20-21).

Draw me away
Draw me away to You
For I long for it to be me and You

For I am Your beloved and You are mine
I’ve ravished Your heart and You’ve ravished mine

Draw me away, my Beloved One

Draw me away, my Love

Let us run together
Let us run together

The Self Sufficient One…

“Come, bless the Lord, all you servants of the Lord, who stand by night in the house of the Lord!Lift up your hands to the holy place and bless the Lord!” 

-Psalm 134:1-2

I’m here. Actually here in Kansas City. Sitting the prayer room putting the finishing touches to this post while I have internet access. Honestly (and at the risk of sound rather melodramatic)… it seems a bit surreal. I’m beginning the Fire in the Night internship in less than two days. What is this crazy business?

This past week has been…interesting. My heart has been topsy turvy about so many things…goodbyes. Moving out. New hellos. Splendid people making it crazy difficult and wonderfully beautiful. Going both ways. Life and death…

Life. Just the utter preciousness and sanctity, the briefness and the impact that one soul can have. A sweet friend of my family, a young single mom of two wee boys. Went home to be with her Abba so unexpectedly this past week. She was a baby Christian, so new in her love for her Savior. But I can truly say that there are few that have inspired me like she did. She was a beautiful example of one who became so enraptured by the One who loved her best that she was willing to lay it ALL down. No matter the cost or the opinion of those from her former life.

“Thank you, Jesus!!! I can’t begin to imagine being even like who I was 5…10..years ago!!!! While the core of my heart is the same I cannot fathom making the choices or living out the actions I did THEN! I am so glad I finally surrendered to God’s will instead of trying to continue on sinking sand!” -Cristina (FB post)

I’ve spent the last week with my dear friend Megan and her hubby. They’re expecting their first baby in June. So much joy, so much expectation and hope. They encourage me so much as they look forward to raising this child for the glory of God, and as they embrace the challenges and changes with grace. He has such great plans for this wee one. Born for “…such a time as this?” (Esther4:14) Oh the precious gift of life…

Throw in the Onething13 conference. Oh my. I’m fairly convinced that God had most of these talks planned just for me. (I jest of course…but.) They provoked my heart in so many ways. And almost a week later my heart still aches with conviction and repentance. So much truth. And I don’t want this ache to stop. How do you keep it alive?

I’ve been reading A.W. Tozer’s book, Knowlege of the Holy. And these words from the chapter on the self sufficiency of God rather crystallized  something that has been tumbling around in my head for these past few weeks.

“So, were every man on earth to become atheist, it could not affect God in any way. He is what He is in Himself without regard to any other. To believe in Him adds nothing to His perfections; to doubt Him takes nothing away.

Almighty God, just because He is almighty, needs no support. The picture of a nervous, ingratiating God fawning over men to win their favor is not a pleasant one; yet if we lSo lofty is our opinion of ourselves that we find it quite easy, not to say enjoyable, to believe that we are necessary to Godook at the popular conception of God that is precisely what we see. Twentieth century Christianity has put God on charity. . But the truth is that God is not greater for our being, nor would He be less if we did not exist. That we do exist is altogether of God’s free determination, not by our desert nor by divine necessity.

Probably the hardest thought of all for our natural egotism to entertain is that God does not need our help. We commonly represent Him as a busy, eager, somewhat frustrated Father hurrying about seeking help to carry out His benevolent plan to bring peace and salvation to the world, but, as said the Lady Julian, “I saw truly that God doeth all-thing, be it never so little.” The God who worketh all things surely needs no help and no helpers.

Too many missionary appeals are based upon this fancied frustration of Almighty God. An effective speaker can easily excite pity in his listeners, not only for the heathen but for the God who has tried so hard and so long to save them and has failed for want of support. I fear that thousands of younger persons enter Christian service from no higher motive than to help deliver God from the embarrassing situation His love has gotten Him into and His limited abilities seem unable to get Him out of. Add to this a certain degree of commendable idealism and a fair amount of compassion for the underprivileged and you have the true drive behind much Christian activity today.”

So I’m doing this internship. Setting aside this time in my life. It is a sacrifice…As much as I feel like it shouldn’t be, it is…but I don’t want to be doing it because I feel like I can be doing something for God. Or worse, that I need too. Because the martha mindset can be really stupid. And it causes a lot of stress. Believe me. I know…

Honestly, there is so much joy and peace in smallness.

When we get how absolutely pathetic our bravest and boldest and beautifulest attempts to do things truly are. When we stand them up beside the magnificence and indescribable glory of the One who needs NO HELPERS. Who stands alone. Perfectly complete in and of Himself.

And then when we realize how He’s choosing us to be a part of His story…and that it’s not that He’s involving us because He needs us. Oh no. But He’s involving us because He loves us! He wants us. And He’s calling us as selfless followers of the perfectly self-centered One.

And what…what if we actually lived…and died…as if our highest prize is His global praise?? What would that look like?

Because that? That is all this blinkofaneyeshorterthanabreath-life is really about…

For the rest of my days I want to go to war against self-ambition: My life is for His glory, not mine. This internship? For His glory, not mine…just everything…all my days…

“…everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” (Isaiah 43:7)

Fountain of good, all blessing flows
From Thee; no want Thy fulness knows;
What but Thyself canst Thou desire?
Yet, self-sufficient as Thou art,
Thou dost desire my worthless heart.
This, only this, dost Thou require.
{Johann Scheffler}